Letting go is the hardest part.

There is a recurring theme in my life; holding on for one reason or another to things, stuff, and relationships. It’s been difficult to get to the bottom of this tendency because more often than not, emotion clouds good judgement. c1f29933689797316b69e3ccc2a502c2

I have moved home 6 times in the past 8 years, chasing my 2 daughters cross country and trying to keep up with the tumultuous changes that have marked this period of my life. Each time I have carried a large household of possessions and pieces of furniture around with me, notwithstanding the bonsai collection. At times I put my overflow of belongings into storage if the property I lived in was too small.

I tried to manufacture space or find places for things that didn’t necessarily fit. I squeezed it in, and in so doing couldn’t create a space that ultimately made me happy. There was always a feeling that I was split, and that somehow Richard couldn’t be Richard. But I didn’t seem to be able to let go of anything.

Living alone for 6 years, I still have never let go of the idea of sharing a home with a special person in my future.

I held onto the past as a basis for a future that I yearned for. Thus losing the present.

Somehow Richard became defined by the things and the circumstances.

I hung on for varied but all emotive reasons; sentimental value, the scarcity of the belonging – like an antique, the potential use of an item, or poverty consciousness – will I ever be able to replace it. The most important reason however was that I had already lost so much in my life.

It all weighs me down and costs me energy, let alone the financial cost of moving and storage. The ‘stuff’ is better described as a burden and as baggage.964052482435194502gULUvVrc

At times I guess it has been challenging to have to admit that I have become a hoarder. And because of that I have spent much time attempting to understand the emotional and intellectual reasoning for this tendency.

I have come to understand that it is simply this; I have a fear of loss.

A fear that prevents me from moving forward unencumbered. What if I need that one thing that I let go of?  What if I cannot replace it? What if I never find it again?

And so too, I have come to realise that I have that very same tendency with relationships. To the point that I damage myself by hanging on.  And the reasons are identical; a fear of loss and all that that manifests within me.

The certainty of what I have is a lesser evil than the uncertainty of something that I don’t have. And so I hold on.  Loss seems to be an unbearable option.

But if I am not happy, I have nothing anyway.

The emotion that is inextricably linked to the relationship is the greatest problem. Love of that person no matter how my love is returned or isn’t, and the inability to love myself enough to let go once I have recognized the destructive weight of the relationship, all make it extremely hard to let go. Fear controls me.

I am about to move again, hopefully my last in a long time. I intend to get rid of anything that I do not have a use for right now, as well as all those things that serve no positive purpose in my life. No matter how much I might love them.

out of clutter find simplicity from discord find harmony in the middle of difficulty find opportunityHolding on is a destructive energy, and it prevents us from moving forward. It keeps us stuck in the past, and holds us in a limbo that resists freedom.

I am moving forward alone and free. Scared, but free. I choose to make myself a priority by not holding onto the things that negatively impact my life. I choose to let go, and face my fears head on.

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15 thoughts on “Letting go is the hardest part.

  1. Belinda says:

    Beautiful words Rich…… you have a LOT to offer someone! Maybe when you realise that she will come along xxx

  2. Emil says:

    I wish you all the best! May the doors you knock on open to you and reveal the unexpected!

  3. Kim says:

    I did it. It was hard, painful and made me incredibly vulnerable. But now, I am free. And the people I love, and the people that love me, we love without the confusing clutter that taints and shapes truth. Stuff, is nothing. Personal connections that crush you like a bulky old antique must go. Fly. It’s really great up here.

  4. Fern says:

    Thank you for sharing Charlie Brown… it is an art we all need to learn. Thought you’d like this article: http://thespiritscience.net/2015/03/30/what-does-it-really-mean-to-let-go/

    Big hug x

  5. Dave says:

    Letting go. I wish I knew how. I have bought books. I have done therapy. And though I have simplified the material clutter of my life, it is the memories and the emotional clutter that are the obstacles now. But slowly, one day at a time, i unpack, resolve, move one step forward. Little by little. You will find your way. Wishing you all the best on your journey.

  6. simplykaz001 says:

    Your blog had such an impact on me and I just wanted to say thank you for your honesty. A lot of what you said hit home for me and it has given me something to ponder. I wish you well in all your future endeavours.

    Regards

    Karen.

  7. salome says:

    I know how you feel Richard letting go of the past is difficult to move on in work or in love. Work is like love hate relationship as well. Maybe the ladies you meet can not understand or fail to understand your line of work. The sacrifices you made for your daughters, jumping on planes all over the country to teach new and not new agents what is the best practice in the our line of work…which you know is not easy….hook up with an lovely agent…she will understand!! Hope you find someone soon! To be alone is not nice and you are such a good person, great personality and a great sense of humour. Well thats how i summed you up the first time i met at the training…at least you are not a drip…he he he and you have never bored me in any of your training sessions. So be glad you have some outstanding qualities, you will just have to look for someone that can see the same as the agents you train and of course i suppose your daughters can say what a wonderful father you are as well…xxx

  8. Inge says:

    Good luck Richard – acceptance is the best way to move forward. I am also sending this to someone who is struggling with a very similar situation.

  9. Amanda says:

    Beautifully penned to paper. You will meet someone special when you least expect it and it will blow you away.

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