This is my worst quality, but one of my best too…Β 

​My worst quality and greatest fault…I am…intense. Positioned on my tattooed right forearm, next to ‘grateful’ and ‘fallible’…and the word my eight year old daughter chose and wrote for me – But more about that in another post. 

‘Intense’ is awful, it means that it’s easy to live in your head. 

It means that you over analyse, you’re hyper sensitive, and that you see things many others don’t.  It means you are often too self aware, too self critical, and too intuitively conscious of other people. It means that you feel deeply, experience fully, and are prone to anxiety. 

You’re incredibly hard on yourself. 

You think too deeply when others see things and situations at face value. It means that you often have unrealistic expectations of others. 

Intense means that you don’t laugh at yourself enough, because you’re too busy berating your own faults. 

It means that criticism from others is a very tough thing to internalize. 

BUT….intense is also one of my greatest attributes…paradoxically for many of the reasons stated above, and for other reasons too… it means that I can understand others, feel and relate to their emotions. 

It means that I am a deep thinker and question life, I’m creative, that I can write, and paint, and express. 

It means that I can understand and speak of deep and vulnerable things that others can relate to but that not everyone can speak about to their closest circle, let alone to strangers.

It means that I am both my own worst enemy and my own best friend all rolled up into one. 

It is something my friends admire and love about me, but at the same time frequently despair about me. 

Some days I hate the gift…some days I am extremely grateful for the gift.

It is part of my human condition. It is a quality I need to temper and control so that it doesn’t control me. I know that as I continue to develop my sense of self worth I will feel the negative impacts less, as much of the behaviour lies in deep personal insecurities. 

It’s a constant and very real struggle, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

It is who I am. 

Stepping into a new awareness.

​It is part of the human condition that when we are deeply hurt by another person we intrinsically look inwards to find reason within ourselves. We try to take responsibility and in so doing somehow validate the other person’s actions and ease the pain of that betrayal. 

Based on who we are, we have expectations of the other person that they will treat us the way we treat them. 

But actually we can never take responsibility for somebody else’s hurtful and self motivated behaviour. It is hard to understand that other people are not like us. And that they might cognitively do things to cause pain.  
Most often that is their own pain and unhappiness coming out in actions. 

It is inexcusable and something we can never say that we deserved. But perhaps we allowed it to happen… 

Like many people I have experienced relationships that have become toxic. I have been hurt badly and have looked inward owning it all, thinking that I was somehow to blame. That if I could just change enough and become enough I could be loved in return. 

In a relationship within which you’re told that you are loved, whilst the person consciously withholds love, there is an automatic tendency to assume that you’re not good enough. It is a common pattern particularly in people with a low self esteem. It is a dangerous cycle and one that is difficult to escape.

I ended up depleted emotionally, mentally and spiritually… and was blamed for my own pain. 

I wasn’t a victim. I had a choice. That’s the most important realization… choice. 

I chose to stay where I was. I cannot blame anybody but myself for the hurt that ensued. I was to blame for that.  

It takes two. I had to consent to another person breaking parts of me.

I desperately craved for that person to see what she was doing, take responsibility and change towards me. And so I held onto that idea. My own self destructive behaviour.  

I’ve been working hard at the issues within myself that would allow me to give my power to somebody who hurts me continuously. 

Deep wounds stemming back to childhood.  

Of course I own responsibility for my part in the narrative.  Intellectually I knew it all along. What was lacking within. It was healing I needed. My own brokenness. 

Cancer forced me to confront so much with myself. My self worth, value, the indomitable spirit within and how it relates to my relationships with the people I allow within an intimate distance. 

Realising that time is precious, and that I deserve better. 

I have changed so much and grown. I still have hurts, and will for some time. But I have made huge ground over time and most importantly have identified the patterns I have to avoid. When you refuse to face the circumstances that present the lesson to you, you will continue to suffer the pattern. It was my own fault. 

The only thing that can change….is you. 

Growth hurts. A lot. 

Lessons taken from pain are the scars we carry that make up the rich tapestry of the human condition.  

Each of us is worthy to be loved exactly as we are…in all our fallibility, and strength, our weakness and our authenticity.  

Never ever settle for less. What you allow…will continue. 

Let 2017 be a year of change within you first and foremost.  Change starts with…you!